SEEKONK, MA / PROVIDENCE, RI — In a stunning early-morning operation that experts are already calling “deeply unserious but extremely on-brand,” Rhode Island Governor Dan McKee ordered state troopers, DOT interns, and one confused RIPTA bus driver to cross state lines and invade Seekonk, Massachusetts, capturing the town’s mayor in what the Governor’s office described as a “decisive, proportional, and totally unrelated response to ongoing questions about the Washington Bridge.”

The operation—codenamed Operation Bridge Over Troubled Water—began at 5:47 a.m. when Rhode Island forces crossed into Seekonk under the cover of fog, Dunkin’ steam, and Massachusetts’ general lack of concern about Seekonk.

Within minutes, the Seekonk Town Hall was surrounded. Witnesses report that the mayor was apprehended peacefully while attempting to unlock the building and muttering, “I thought this was just a zoning meeting.”

Governor McKee appeared shortly thereafter at a hastily assembled podium just south of the border, flanked by maps, flags, and a large manila folder labeled “NOT THE WASHINGTON BRIDGE FILES.”

“Let me be very clear,” McKee said, staring directly into the camera. “This action has absolutely nothing to do with the Washington Bridge, the cost overruns, the missed warnings, the internal emails, the consultants, the consultants’ consultants, or the fact that the bridge is still closed. This is about leadership. And also Seekonk.”

A Familiar Playbook

Political analysts were quick to note the striking resemblance between McKee’s maneuver and a hypothetical foreign policy strategy once jokingly attributed to former President Donald Trump: invading Venezuela, capturing Nicolás Maduro, and hoping Americans would forget about the Epstein files.

“It’s the same basic distraction doctrine,” said Dr. Elaine Porter, professor of political theater at Brown University. “When the documents get uncomfortable, you create a spectacle so large and absurd that the public forgets what they were asking about five minutes ago.”

Indeed, within hours of the invasion, Google searches for “Washington Bridge structural report” plummeted, replaced by spikes in “Is Seekonk part of Rhode Island now?” and “Can a governor do this?”

‘A Tremendous Success’

Governor McKee praised the operation as a success, noting that Rhode Island forces encountered “minimal resistance” aside from one confused high school crossing guard and a Stop & Shop employee who asked if this meant alcohol sales were changing.

“We achieved our objectives swiftly,” McKee said. “We secured the mayor, asserted regional dominance, and most importantly, changed the subject.”

When pressed by reporters about the Washington Bridge files, McKee responded by unveiling a new map showing Rhode Island’s “historic borders,” which appeared to have been drawn with a Sharpie sometime between breakfast and the press conference.

Seekonk Mayor ‘Doing Fine’

The captured mayor, now being held in a secure conference room somewhere in Cranston, issued a brief statement saying they were “physically unharmed, emotionally confused, and unclear how any of this fixes a bridge.”

Massachusetts Governor Maura Healey condemned the action, calling it “an unnecessary escalation,” before quietly admitting that “no one in Boston has thought about Seekonk in years.”

What Happens Next?

According to insiders, Governor McKee is already considering additional “strategic distractions,” including:

A naval blockade of East Providence A surprise annexation of Fall River “for vibes” Declaring the Washington Bridge “temporarily spiritually open”

As for the Washington Bridge files themselves, officials say they remain under review, locked safely away in the same place as every other inconvenient government document: “a process.”

At press time, Governor McKee was seen boarding a helicopter, waving confidently, and shouting, “Next stop: Attleboro,” as reporters attempted—once again—to ask about the bridge.

The helicopter departed before any answers were given.

PROVIDENCE, RI — State Police confirmed Tuesday that a Providence-area man was pulled over and cited just over the Massachusetts border after authorities noticed his vehicle bore an “I Never Leave Rhode Island” bumper sticker despite being, incontrovertibly, not in Rhode Island.

According to officials, the man was stopped approximately 300 feet into Seekonk, a distance experts describe as “basically nothing” and the driver described as “still spiritually Providence.”

“He crossed state lines, yes,” said Trooper Mark Donnelly, gesturing vaguely toward the border. “But more importantly, he crossed the philosophical boundary established by that bumper sticker.”

The driver, who requested anonymity but later explained he was “only grabbing Market Basket because it’s cheaper and everyone knows that,” reportedly attempted to explain that Seekonk, Fall River, and Attleboro are “functionally Rhode Island suburbs that haven’t been annexed yet.”

“I wasn’t leaving Rhode Island,” the man said from the shoulder of Route 44. “I was temporarily occupying a Rhode Island-adjacent zone. This is still my routine. I’m still me.”

Police noted the man grew defensive when asked why his GPS was set to “Massachusetts.”

“That’s just how Google Maps labels it,” he said. “The algorithm doesn’t understand Rhode Island culture.”

Authorities issued a citation under Rhode Island Statute 38.2(b), which prohibits “performative state loyalty when contradicted by physical reality.” The fine includes a $75 penalty and mandatory removal of the bumper sticker until the driver completes a three-hour seminar titled So You Left Rhode Island: Processing the Guilt.

Witnesses say the man attempted to mitigate the situation by pointing out he still had a Del’s Lemonade sticker on the rear window and a Dunkin’ cup in the cup holder “from Cranston, not Massachusetts Dunkin’.”

“That should count for something,” he allegedly told officers.

The incident has reignited debate among Rhode Islanders about where the state truly ends. Many residents insist that Rhode Island extends “at least five miles into Massachusetts, depending on traffic and vibes.”

“I go to Target in Seekonk all the time,” said one East Side resident. “If that’s leaving Rhode Island, then the state was never real to begin with.”

At press time, the man had returned safely to Providence, where he immediately posted on social media that he “never leaves Rhode Island” and that the whole incident was “fake news pushed by Big Massachusetts.”

PROVIDENCE, RI — Rhode Island was officially ranked the most corrupt state in the nation on Tuesday, after government officials reportedly accidentally bribed pollsters in an effort to ensure the state ranked #1 in something—anything—this year.

According to the report, state officials meant to submit “supplemental informational materials” to the national rankings committee but instead enclosed a series of unmarked envelopes, prepaid consulting contracts, and a handwritten note reading, “You didn’t get this from us. —Love, RI.”

“We’re obviously disappointed,” said a visibly annoyed spokesperson for the Governor’s office. “We were aiming for #1 in economic growth, infrastructure improvement, or business friendliness. Corruption was never the goal—just an unfortunate byproduct of our commitment to excellence.”

Pollsters confirmed the bribe was unnecessary, explaining that Rhode Island was already a frontrunner.

“Honestly, they didn’t need to do anything,” said lead analyst Trevor McMillan. “We had them penciled in at #1 weeks ago. The bribe just made it awkward.”

The rankings cited Rhode Island’s longstanding traditions of pay-to-play politics, mysteriously stalled projects, surprise tax hikes, and public officials acting shocked by outcomes they personally engineered. Special mention was given to the Washington Bridge, which judges described as “less of a bridge and more of a metaphor.”

Residents across the state reacted with a familiar mix of outrage and weary acceptance.

“I’m not mad,” said Providence resident Mark DeLuca. “I’m just impressed. We finally beat New Jersey at something.”

Others praised the state’s consistency. “It’s comforting,” said North Kingstown homeowner Ellen Rivers. “No matter how bad things get, I can always rely on Rhode Island to quietly do something shady and then hold a press conference acting confused.”

In a celebratory press release, state officials emphasized that being #1 in corruption still counts as being #1.

“Ranking first shows leadership,” the statement read. “And leadership costs money.”

The report also noted that Rhode Island attempted to dispute the findings, but the appeal process stalled after paperwork was submitted incorrectly, lost twice, and ultimately approved by a cousin of someone involved.

At press time, officials announced plans to commission a $2.3 million independent study to investigate why Rhode Island keeps ranking poorly, awarding the contract to a newly formed consulting firm based out of a P.O. box in Cranston.

When asked whether lessons had been learned, the Governor’s office confirmed that new safeguards are being put in place to prevent future accidents.

“Next time,” the spokesperson said, “we’ll be more careful to bribe the right people.”

PROVIDENCE, RI — Citing “unavoidable infernal heating costs” and “market volatility in the underworld,” RI Energy announced Monday yet another rate increase, assuring customers the hike is absolutely necessary to keep its CEO, Satan, “comfortably warm” in Hell throughout the winter months.

“At RI Energy, our top priority has always been executive comfort,” said company spokesperson Damian Blayze, standing in front of a PowerPoint slide titled Eternal Flames Aren’t Cheap. “With rising brimstone prices, supply chain disruptions in the Ninth Circle, and increased demand for luxury lava amenities, we simply had no choice but to pass these costs directly onto Rhode Islanders.”

According to internal documents leaked by a disgruntled demon intern, the rate increase will fund several key initiatives, including heated obsidian flooring in Satan’s corner office, artisanal fire pits, and a state-of-the-art geothermal throne designed to maintain a “toasty but not sweaty” 78 degrees Fahrenheit.

“Satan doesn’t need to be warm,” Blayze clarified. “But he deserves to be. And frankly, if that means your January bill doubles while you sit in a parka eating soup out of a mug, that’s just the free market at work.”

Customers across the state reacted with a mix of rage, resignation, and the hollow laughter that comes from opening a utility bill and immediately dissociating.

“I don’t even turn my heat on anymore,” said East Providence resident Linda Caruso, who now relies on a combination of blankets, candles, and pure spite to stay warm. “But it’s nice to know my sacrifice is ensuring Satan enjoys radiant floor heating.”

RI Energy emphasized that the increase was carefully calculated to be “just high enough to hurt, but not high enough to spark meaningful reform.” The company also reassured customers that this would be the last rate hike for the foreseeable future—defined internally as “until the next quarterly earnings call.”

When asked whether executive bonuses played a role in the decision, Blayze shook his head solemnly. “This has nothing to do with bonuses. This is about sustainability. Specifically, sustaining Satan’s lifestyle.”

At press time, RI Energy announced it would be holding a public listening session to hear customer concerns, though attendees were reminded that the session would be non-binding, ceremonial, and held in a room without microphones.

Meanwhile, Satan himself released a brief statement from Hell: “I appreciate the sacrifice, Rhode Island. Stay cold.”

PROVIDENCE, RI — In what city officials are calling “a proud day for municipal revenue generation and theoretical physics,” a Providence traffic enforcement camera has reportedly captured high-resolution images of photons colliding inside CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, despite being mounted to a rusted pole on North Main Street and last calibrated during the Buddy Cianci administration.

According to city spokespersons, the camera—originally installed to ticket Honda Civics going 31 mph in a 25—successfully detected subatomic particles traveling at near light speed, instantly issuing them citations for “reckless acceleration” and “failure to obey posted speed limits (of the universe).”

“Look, if it can catch a Toyota Corolla from three blocks away in the rain, it can catch anything,” said a Providence Department of Transportation official, speaking on condition of anonymity while duct-taping a loose sensor back into place. “Frankly, we’re shocked it hasn’t already photographed dark matter double-parking.”

The Discovery

The breakthrough reportedly occurred at 3:17 a.m., when the camera triggered 47 times in rapid succession, producing a series of blurry black images accompanied by invoices totaling $94,000 in fines.

Initially assumed to be a malfunction, further analysis revealed the images depicted two photons colliding—an event so rare that physicists previously believed it could only be observed using billion-dollar European supercolliders, not a traffic camera powered by a CVS extension cord.

CERN scientists were stunned.

“We spent decades building the world’s most advanced particle accelerator,” said one physicist. “Providence did it with a no-bid contract and a company based in Arizona.”

Automatic Ticket Issued

Within seconds of the collision, the photons received an official Notice of Violation, citing:

Speed in excess of 186,000 miles per second Failure to come to a complete stop at a yellow light Obscured license plate (being massless)

The ticket included a grainy photo of what experts confirm is “definitely something,” along with instructions to pay online or contest the citation in Providence Traffic Court sometime between 2026 and the heat death of the universe.

City Response

Mayor Brett Smiley praised the innovation.

“This proves Providence is a leader in smart-city technology,” Smiley said. “We’re enforcing traffic laws not just across neighborhoods—but across dimensions.”

City Council has already proposed expanding the program, installing additional cameras capable of detecting:

Time travelers speeding through College Hill Parallel-universe scooters ignoring bike lanes Thought crimes committed near Wayland Square

Public Reaction

Residents were less enthusiastic.

“I got a $75 ticket for rolling through a stop sign,” said Fox Point resident Mark D. “Meanwhile, photons are breaking the laws of physics and getting off easy.”

Others worried about the precedent.

“If they can ticket light,” said a Brown physics grad student, “what chance do I have?”

What’s Next

City officials confirmed plans to partner with NASA, MIT, and “anyone with a grant,” while also reassuring the public that the camera is still primarily focused on its core mission: absolutely nuking working-class commuters for going 4 mph over the limit downhill.

At press time, the photons had appealed the citation, arguing they were simply obeying the universal speed limit.

The city denied the appeal.

Local Man Confident Genius Will Be Discovered Between Mopping Shifts

PROVIDENCE, RI — A Providence-area man has officially accepted a position as a janitor at Brown University, expressing cautious optimism that his life is about to follow the exact plot arc of the 1997 film Good Will Hunting, minus the South Boston accent and plus significantly more student debt.

“I’m not saying I’m a secret math prodigy,” said the man, adjusting his Brown Facilities polo while staring thoughtfully at a chalkboard he does not have access to, “but I am saying the odds feel pretty good once you’re alone in a room full of equations at 2 a.m.”

According to sources close to the situation, the man has already begun practicing his routine of silently solving impossible proofs on whiteboards, then aggressively erasing them before anyone can verify his work—“just like the movie,” he confirmed.

Brown University officials were quick to temper expectations.

“We are thrilled to welcome him to our facilities team,” said a university spokesperson. “However, we’d like to clarify that discovering a once-in-a-generation mathematical genius while cleaning a lecture hall is not currently part of our strategic plan.”

Undeterred, the man has reportedly begun studying advanced mathematics, philosophy, economics, and whatever subject happens to be written on classroom posters he passes in the hallway.

“I’ve already absorbed a lot,” he said. “For example, I now know that every department is ‘interdisciplinary,’ and every class claims to be ‘life-changing.’ That alone feels like an education.”

Coworkers say he’s been unusually attentive while mopping near problem sets.

“Most guys just clean and leave,” said a fellow janitor. “This guy stops, squints at the board, nods like he understands, and mutters something about ‘fundamental assumptions.’ Honestly, it’s unsettling.”

Students, meanwhile, have begun speculating wildly.

“I saw him staring at a differential equation for, like, 45 seconds,” said one sophomore. “Either he’s a genius or he’s trying to remember where the bathroom is.”

The man has also reportedly been preparing emotionally for the moment a Nobel-level professor storms into the janitor’s closet demanding to know who solved the equation.

“I’ve practiced my response,” he said. “I’m going with: ‘How do you like them apples?’ But in a more Providence-appropriate tone, like, ‘Yeah, that was me, I guess.’”

As of press time, the man had not yet been discovered, recruited by the NSA, or emotionally confronted by a therapist who looks suspiciously like Robin Williams. However, he remains hopeful.

“Worst-case scenario,” he said, “I clean buildings at an Ivy League school. Best-case scenario, I rewrite modern mathematics. Either way, it’s a solid résumé line.”

Brown University confirmed that if a once-in-a-lifetime genius does emerge from the janitorial staff, it will immediately form a task force to study the phenomenon and charge tuition for it.

Company Calls Move “Bold,” “Innovative,” and “Exactly the Same as Before but Worse”

PROVIDENCE, RI — In a move experts are calling “deeply on-brand for late-stage capitalism,” the Starbucks on Thayer Street has officially closed and will be replaced by a Spirit Halloween, which itself will house a smaller Starbucks inside it, Starbucks executives confirmed Monday.

The new concept, dubbed Starbucks: Fright Size™, is intended to reduce overhead while maintaining the company’s core mission: charging $7.95 for coffee in spaces that feel increasingly hostile to human comfort.

“Why have one business when you can stack three dying retail ideas into a single haunted box?” said a Starbucks spokesperson. “This is about efficiency, synergy, and making sure no square foot goes unmonetized—even the cursed ones.”

The Spirit Halloween location will occupy most of the former café, featuring animatronic clowns, plastic tombstones, and a seasonal aisle dedicated entirely to “Sexy Academic” costumes, including Sexy Philosopher, Sexy TA, and Sexy Student Who Definitely Read the Syllabus.

Tucked into the back—between the fog machine and the rack of discount nun costumes—will be a smaller Starbucks, roughly the size of a walk-in closet. The café will offer a streamlined menu of only four items:

Cold Brew Iced Cold Brew Cold Brew You Didn’t Ask For Tap Water (mobile order only)

“There will be no seating,” said the spokesperson. “We found customers weren’t really sitting anyway. They were just hovering, dissociating, and waiting for WiFi.”

Brown students reacted predictably.

“I hate it, but I’ll still go,” said junior Ethan L., already downloading the updated app. “I just need caffeine, validation, and somewhere to stand awkwardly for six minutes.”

Others praised the honesty of the new model.

“Spirit Halloween already feels like Starbucks,” said senior Maya K. “Temporary, underlit, vaguely depressing, and full of people pretending this is fine.”

City planners say the move reflects Thayer Street’s broader evolution.

“This is actually a win,” said one official. “We’ve reduced three retail turnovers into one permanent state of retail limbo.”

According to internal documents, the smaller Starbucks will operate seasonally:

August–May: Starbucks June–July: Closed for “vibes recalibration” August–October: Starbucks inside Spirit Halloween November–December: Spirit Christmas (still haunted)

At press time, workers were seen installing signage reading:

“STARBUCKS — NOW EVEN MORE TEMPORARY.”

Meanwhile, local residents report feeling a strange sense of comfort.

“It just feels right,” said one East Side regular. “A chain closing, replaced by a pop-up, containing a smaller version of the same chain? That’s Thayer Street in a nutshell.”

Economists Confirm Meter Is “Booked Solid,” Receives No Student Debt, and Never Complains

PROVIDENCE, RI — A Providence-area man is reportedly grappling with a profound sense of existential resentment after discovering that a single downtown parking spot earns more per hour than he does, while also enjoying better job security and zero emotional needs.

“I did the math while sitting in my car,” the man said. “That was my first mistake.”

According to city data, the metered spot in question brings in approximately $30 an hour, every hour, rain or shine—without a résumé, without showing up late, and without once saying, “I’m really passionate about this opportunity.”

A Ruthless Comparison

The man, who holds a degree and at least one LinkedIn endorsement for “communication,” admitted the realization hit him hardest when he noticed the parking spot had no supervisor, no performance reviews, and no fear of layoffs.

“That spot doesn’t even try,” he said. “It just exists. And people line up to give it money.”

Witnesses say the man stared at the meter long enough to notice it had better work-life balance as well.

“It clocks out whenever it wants,” he added. “Meanwhile, I answer emails at 9:47 p.m. for free.”

Economists Weigh In

Local economists confirmed the parking spot’s financial success is due to its prime location, high demand, and refusal to negotiate.

“The meter never underprices itself,” explained one expert. “It doesn’t care about your budget. That’s confidence.”

When asked whether the spot had ever considered lowering its rates, city officials laughed.

Public Reaction

Residents across Providence report having similar moments of clarity.

“I realized a parking garage made more last year than my entire department,” said one downtown office worker. “At least the garage doesn’t pretend to be a family.”

Others admitted they’ve begun reevaluating career choices.

“My kid asked what I do for a living,” said another resident. “I said, ‘I compete with asphalt and lose.’”

The Parking Spot Responds

The parking spot itself declined to comment but was observed collecting quarters with quiet dignity.

Sources close to the meter say it plans to raise rates next year, citing inflation, infrastructure improvements, and “because it can.”

Looking Ahead

The man says he’s considering pivoting careers.

“I’m thinking of becoming a parking spot,” he said. “Low overhead. Strong cash flow. No meetings.”

At press time, the meter issued a ticket to a different resident, further asserting dominance and reminding everyone downtown who really runs the economy.

Officials Cite “Vibes,” “Inflation,” and “Just a General Feeling” as Primary Reasons

PROVIDENCE, RI — In a move that shocked absolutely no one, RI Energy announced yet another rate increase this week, citing a complex blend of rising costs, global uncertainty, and the simple fact that it could.

“Look, we ran the numbers,” said RI Energy spokesperson Linda Kilowatt while standing in front of a chart that appeared to be drawn in crayon. “And by ‘ran the numbers,’ we mean we asked ourselves, ‘Could we charge more?’ The answer was yes. So… here we are.”

The new rate hike, which will take effect immediately and retroactively somehow, is expected to raise the average Rhode Island household’s bill by just enough to notice, but not enough to do anything about.

“We Noticed You Were Comfortable”

According to internal documents leaked by someone who “accidentally forwarded the email to everyone,” the decision was finalized after executives noticed that some customers were still leaving lights on in rooms they weren’t actively crying in.

“That was a red flag,” said one executive, who requested anonymity because he was currently on a golf course in Florida. “If people can afford to see their bills before sitting down, we’re clearly leaving money on the table.”

RI Energy assured customers the increase was necessary to fund “infrastructure improvements,” though declined to specify which infrastructure or where, noting only that it was “somewhere not near your house.”

CEO: “Have You Tried Using Less Electricity?”

At a press conference held in a warmly lit ballroom powered entirely by generators, RI Energy’s CEO offered practical advice to struggling residents.

“Have you tried using less electricity?” he asked earnestly. “Like maybe don’t heat your home. Or cook food. Or exist after sunset.”

When a reporter asked why executive bonuses had increased by 22% during the same period, the CEO nodded solemnly.

“Morale is important,” he said. “For us.”

Rhode Islanders React With Calm, Rational Rage

Residents across the state responded in the traditional Rhode Island manner: screaming into the void, posting screenshots of their bills online, and saying things like, “This can’t be legal,” before remembering that it is.

“I opened my bill and thought it was a misprint,” said Providence resident Mark D., who now charges his phone at work and cooks dinner by candlelight. “Then I remembered where I live.”

Local landlords confirmed the increase would be “unfortunately passed along,” while adding, “Please don’t yell at us, we’re also screaming internally.”

Looking Ahead

RI Energy hinted that future rate increases are already on the table, citing upcoming seasons, past seasons, and the possibility of seasons.

“We don’t want to surprise anyone,” Kilowatt said. “So we’re telling you now: this won’t be the last time we do this.”

At press time, RI Energy was reportedly considering a new pilot program allowing customers to pay their bills in installments, tears, or firstborn children.

When reached for comment, the electricity itself declined to speak, stating it had “no control over this situation” and “just works here.”