Company Calls Move “Bold,” “Innovative,” and “Exactly the Same as Before but Worse”

PROVIDENCE, RI — In a move experts are calling “deeply on-brand for late-stage capitalism,” the Starbucks on Thayer Street has officially closed and will be replaced by a Spirit Halloween, which itself will house a smaller Starbucks inside it, Starbucks executives confirmed Monday.

The new concept, dubbed Starbucks: Fright Size™, is intended to reduce overhead while maintaining the company’s core mission: charging $7.95 for coffee in spaces that feel increasingly hostile to human comfort.

“Why have one business when you can stack three dying retail ideas into a single haunted box?” said a Starbucks spokesperson. “This is about efficiency, synergy, and making sure no square foot goes unmonetized—even the cursed ones.”

The Spirit Halloween location will occupy most of the former café, featuring animatronic clowns, plastic tombstones, and a seasonal aisle dedicated entirely to “Sexy Academic” costumes, including Sexy Philosopher, Sexy TA, and Sexy Student Who Definitely Read the Syllabus.

Tucked into the back—between the fog machine and the rack of discount nun costumes—will be a smaller Starbucks, roughly the size of a walk-in closet. The café will offer a streamlined menu of only four items:

Cold Brew Iced Cold Brew Cold Brew You Didn’t Ask For Tap Water (mobile order only)

“There will be no seating,” said the spokesperson. “We found customers weren’t really sitting anyway. They were just hovering, dissociating, and waiting for WiFi.”

Brown students reacted predictably.

“I hate it, but I’ll still go,” said junior Ethan L., already downloading the updated app. “I just need caffeine, validation, and somewhere to stand awkwardly for six minutes.”

Others praised the honesty of the new model.

“Spirit Halloween already feels like Starbucks,” said senior Maya K. “Temporary, underlit, vaguely depressing, and full of people pretending this is fine.”

City planners say the move reflects Thayer Street’s broader evolution.

“This is actually a win,” said one official. “We’ve reduced three retail turnovers into one permanent state of retail limbo.”

According to internal documents, the smaller Starbucks will operate seasonally:

August–May: Starbucks June–July: Closed for “vibes recalibration” August–October: Starbucks inside Spirit Halloween November–December: Spirit Christmas (still haunted)

At press time, workers were seen installing signage reading:

“STARBUCKS — NOW EVEN MORE TEMPORARY.”

Meanwhile, local residents report feeling a strange sense of comfort.

“It just feels right,” said one East Side regular. “A chain closing, replaced by a pop-up, containing a smaller version of the same chain? That’s Thayer Street in a nutshell.”