Officials Cite “Vibes,” “Inflation,” and “Just a General Feeling” as Primary Reasons

PROVIDENCE, RI — In a move that shocked absolutely no one, RI Energy announced yet another rate increase this week, citing a complex blend of rising costs, global uncertainty, and the simple fact that it could.

“Look, we ran the numbers,” said RI Energy spokesperson Linda Kilowatt while standing in front of a chart that appeared to be drawn in crayon. “And by ‘ran the numbers,’ we mean we asked ourselves, ‘Could we charge more?’ The answer was yes. So… here we are.”

The new rate hike, which will take effect immediately and retroactively somehow, is expected to raise the average Rhode Island household’s bill by just enough to notice, but not enough to do anything about.

“We Noticed You Were Comfortable”

According to internal documents leaked by someone who “accidentally forwarded the email to everyone,” the decision was finalized after executives noticed that some customers were still leaving lights on in rooms they weren’t actively crying in.

“That was a red flag,” said one executive, who requested anonymity because he was currently on a golf course in Florida. “If people can afford to see their bills before sitting down, we’re clearly leaving money on the table.”

RI Energy assured customers the increase was necessary to fund “infrastructure improvements,” though declined to specify which infrastructure or where, noting only that it was “somewhere not near your house.”

CEO: “Have You Tried Using Less Electricity?”

At a press conference held in a warmly lit ballroom powered entirely by generators, RI Energy’s CEO offered practical advice to struggling residents.

“Have you tried using less electricity?” he asked earnestly. “Like maybe don’t heat your home. Or cook food. Or exist after sunset.”

When a reporter asked why executive bonuses had increased by 22% during the same period, the CEO nodded solemnly.

“Morale is important,” he said. “For us.”

Rhode Islanders React With Calm, Rational Rage

Residents across the state responded in the traditional Rhode Island manner: screaming into the void, posting screenshots of their bills online, and saying things like, “This can’t be legal,” before remembering that it is.

“I opened my bill and thought it was a misprint,” said Providence resident Mark D., who now charges his phone at work and cooks dinner by candlelight. “Then I remembered where I live.”

Local landlords confirmed the increase would be “unfortunately passed along,” while adding, “Please don’t yell at us, we’re also screaming internally.”

Looking Ahead

RI Energy hinted that future rate increases are already on the table, citing upcoming seasons, past seasons, and the possibility of seasons.

“We don’t want to surprise anyone,” Kilowatt said. “So we’re telling you now: this won’t be the last time we do this.”

At press time, RI Energy was reportedly considering a new pilot program allowing customers to pay their bills in installments, tears, or firstborn children.

When reached for comment, the electricity itself declined to speak, stating it had “no control over this situation” and “just works here.”