PROVIDENCE, RI — Rhode Island was officially ranked the most corrupt state in the nation on Tuesday, after government officials reportedly accidentally bribed pollsters in an effort to ensure the state ranked #1 in something—anything—this year.

According to the report, state officials meant to submit “supplemental informational materials” to the national rankings committee but instead enclosed a series of unmarked envelopes, prepaid consulting contracts, and a handwritten note reading, “You didn’t get this from us. —Love, RI.”

“We’re obviously disappointed,” said a visibly annoyed spokesperson for the Governor’s office. “We were aiming for #1 in economic growth, infrastructure improvement, or business friendliness. Corruption was never the goal—just an unfortunate byproduct of our commitment to excellence.”

Pollsters confirmed the bribe was unnecessary, explaining that Rhode Island was already a frontrunner.

“Honestly, they didn’t need to do anything,” said lead analyst Trevor McMillan. “We had them penciled in at #1 weeks ago. The bribe just made it awkward.”

The rankings cited Rhode Island’s longstanding traditions of pay-to-play politics, mysteriously stalled projects, surprise tax hikes, and public officials acting shocked by outcomes they personally engineered. Special mention was given to the Washington Bridge, which judges described as “less of a bridge and more of a metaphor.”

Residents across the state reacted with a familiar mix of outrage and weary acceptance.

“I’m not mad,” said Providence resident Mark DeLuca. “I’m just impressed. We finally beat New Jersey at something.”

Others praised the state’s consistency. “It’s comforting,” said North Kingstown homeowner Ellen Rivers. “No matter how bad things get, I can always rely on Rhode Island to quietly do something shady and then hold a press conference acting confused.”

In a celebratory press release, state officials emphasized that being #1 in corruption still counts as being #1.

“Ranking first shows leadership,” the statement read. “And leadership costs money.”

The report also noted that Rhode Island attempted to dispute the findings, but the appeal process stalled after paperwork was submitted incorrectly, lost twice, and ultimately approved by a cousin of someone involved.

At press time, officials announced plans to commission a $2.3 million independent study to investigate why Rhode Island keeps ranking poorly, awarding the contract to a newly formed consulting firm based out of a P.O. box in Cranston.

When asked whether lessons had been learned, the Governor’s office confirmed that new safeguards are being put in place to prevent future accidents.

“Next time,” the spokesperson said, “we’ll be more careful to bribe the right people.”