PROVIDENCE, RI — In what city officials are calling “a proud day for municipal revenue generation and theoretical physics,” a Providence traffic enforcement camera has reportedly captured high-resolution images of photons colliding inside CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, despite being mounted to a rusted pole on North Main Street and last calibrated during the Buddy Cianci administration.

According to city spokespersons, the camera—originally installed to ticket Honda Civics going 31 mph in a 25—successfully detected subatomic particles traveling at near light speed, instantly issuing them citations for “reckless acceleration” and “failure to obey posted speed limits (of the universe).”

“Look, if it can catch a Toyota Corolla from three blocks away in the rain, it can catch anything,” said a Providence Department of Transportation official, speaking on condition of anonymity while duct-taping a loose sensor back into place. “Frankly, we’re shocked it hasn’t already photographed dark matter double-parking.”

The Discovery

The breakthrough reportedly occurred at 3:17 a.m., when the camera triggered 47 times in rapid succession, producing a series of blurry black images accompanied by invoices totaling $94,000 in fines.

Initially assumed to be a malfunction, further analysis revealed the images depicted two photons colliding—an event so rare that physicists previously believed it could only be observed using billion-dollar European supercolliders, not a traffic camera powered by a CVS extension cord.

CERN scientists were stunned.

“We spent decades building the world’s most advanced particle accelerator,” said one physicist. “Providence did it with a no-bid contract and a company based in Arizona.”

Automatic Ticket Issued

Within seconds of the collision, the photons received an official Notice of Violation, citing:

Speed in excess of 186,000 miles per second Failure to come to a complete stop at a yellow light Obscured license plate (being massless)

The ticket included a grainy photo of what experts confirm is “definitely something,” along with instructions to pay online or contest the citation in Providence Traffic Court sometime between 2026 and the heat death of the universe.

City Response

Mayor Brett Smiley praised the innovation.

“This proves Providence is a leader in smart-city technology,” Smiley said. “We’re enforcing traffic laws not just across neighborhoods—but across dimensions.”

City Council has already proposed expanding the program, installing additional cameras capable of detecting:

Time travelers speeding through College Hill Parallel-universe scooters ignoring bike lanes Thought crimes committed near Wayland Square

Public Reaction

Residents were less enthusiastic.

“I got a $75 ticket for rolling through a stop sign,” said Fox Point resident Mark D. “Meanwhile, photons are breaking the laws of physics and getting off easy.”

Others worried about the precedent.

“If they can ticket light,” said a Brown physics grad student, “what chance do I have?”

What’s Next

City officials confirmed plans to partner with NASA, MIT, and “anyone with a grant,” while also reassuring the public that the camera is still primarily focused on its core mission: absolutely nuking working-class commuters for going 4 mph over the limit downhill.

At press time, the photons had appealed the citation, arguing they were simply obeying the universal speed limit.

The city denied the appeal.